This morning I awoke extra early to watch the last sunrise of 2008.  It was magnificent.  The sky was clear and the leafless trees in the backyard allowed me an unobstructed view of the dark orange sun that slowly rose to surround me with daylight.  It was somewhat emotional, standing on the back deck, taking into consideration how this morning I am in a much different situation (personally and professionally) than this time last year.  Would I have expected these changes, twists, and turns life presented to me?  No way…maybe my transition back to education as I had been thinking about that for a long time, but no other.

But am I a better person today?  Of course – I have been able to learn and grow from the many different experiences and opportunities this year presented to me.  I have faced physical challenges (2 and 1/2 marathons) and tried things I never thought I would (skydiving!).  I shared with friends the joys of a newborn child (J and N, N and F, C and J).  I advanced myself professionally (new job) and personally (weight loss).

I have grown more secure in who I am through the experiences of loss and separation.  I have found friends in places I never thought I would go and reached beyond my comfort level to challenge my skills and talents (chorus).

Yes, it was a good year.  I look forward to more sunrises and sunsets.  I look forward to meeting new friends, strengthening the friendships I have made, and becoming a better person this coming year.

Thank you all who have supported and encouraged me this year and have become such an important part of my support system and my life.  To all of my international friends who stay in contact with me and visit this blog often, those of you in countries all around the world, I thank you for the cultural exchange you have afforded me.  With just one trip a few years ago, dozens of friendships have developed.  Thank you for everything.

To one and all, I wish you a Happy New Year!

I was asked to submit a proposal and outline.  That was the tough part – what to talk about and how to refine my data and training to create a coherent and time appropriate topic.  I quickly got the idea to do a presentation on “threat assessment” which is general enough to apply to a number of settings and environments, and is adaptable to meet the needs of any school or school district, urban, suburban, and rural.  What is ‘threat assessment?” Well, threat assessment is a set of investigative and operational techniques that can be used by professionals (teachers, principals, school police, other administrators) to identify, assess, and manage the risks of targeted violence and its potential perpetrators.  The key is to address the targeted violence, those acts that are premeditated and carefully planned.  Much of the work goes into identifying behaviors and patterns of school shooters and participators in acts of school violence, what motivates acts of violence, and how to contain and prepare for when (not if) it happens.  Want to know more?  I’d be more than happy to send you my powerpoint presentation to look over.  Just let me know…

So that was the spark that ignited the flame that burns in me this morning…or is that heartburn.

Whatever the case, I am just beginning to pack for the conference that starts tomorrow and ends of Friday evening.  I am only going to give the presentation since none of the other topics and breakout sessions really thrill me.  I am not that interested in emergency response that I would be drawn to displays of new 9-1-1 technology or advancements in radio communications.  Instead, I am going to do some running on the boardwalk, treat myself to a nice dinner, curl up with the new book I started today (wow, 2 books in one year? amazing, huh), and relax by the hotel’s indoor pool.  Wish it could last longer, but I make my drive to Cambridge on Friday morning, hoping to arrive shortly after 2pm so I don’t spend the entire time on the road.

My presentation is on Thursday at 3pm in the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in beautiful downtown Atlantic City, New Jersey!  Be there or be oval!  Everyone says “square” so I am thinking ‘out of the box’ this morning!  Get it?!? A box..square…see the connection?

OK, I’ll stop.

I know gas prices are creeping higher and higher, along with all other expenses. I know that as I receive the monthly bills for utilities and city services only to see the rates climb higher for essentially the same service I can totally understand. But $360 billion? Did he think they would have that money just laying around somewhere in the vault and he would simply back his pickup truck to the rear door so they could load the cashed check amount pallet by pallet? Just silly. He was asking to get caught.

I have dealt with some crazy criminals as a cop. The crazy ones are also the scary ones because they actually believed at one time that they could get away with the crimed they were trying to commit. Like the shoplifter one day who tried to tell me the clothes she was wearing were hers despite the price tags, anti-theft devices attached, and old clothing in the dressing room she recently left. Or how about the silliest but often heard phrase when dealing with drug boys who are about to be searched: “officer, these are not my pants” as if to imply someone unknown to them came by and forced their pants on the unsuspecting young men, pants that often contained large amounts of money and drugs. Go figure!

My all time favorite is a traffic stop I did when I was working vice and doing a heavy prostitution enforcement detail. I witnessed what I believed to be an exchange between a known prostitute and a client on a side street in one of the housing project developments I patrolled. Once the driver drove off with his ‘date’ I initiated a traffic stop to conduct an investigation based on my established probable cause. Immediately after approaching the car but before I could identify myself, the driver declared “Officer, you got me. She’s a prostitute.” How easy was that?

Times like these are the good times to look back on and laugh, as opposed to listing the all too many fights and struggles I had with violent offenders who resisted going to jail at all cost. The stupid criminals made my day and afterwards they would often sit and laugh with us as we rode back to the station for processing for they had begun to see what was initially thought of as the suavest heist was in reality a blatant crime that advertised everything about their plan. No real secret there!

So, this guy from Texas…an almost-billionaire. Pretty convincing….NOT!

I have to admit that I enjoyed this form of communicating and often used it as a means of online journaling. Sometimes I would process challenging times at work or in my personal life through these blog entries. Sitting and writing, I could just go through what was challenging at the time and eventually come up with a resolution or sense of satisfaction. I have to admit that sometimes I even realized the error of my ways and used it as a means of self improvement.

There is a beginning and an end to everything and today is the end. Thank you for your faithfulness and support as I often blabbed endlessly…but for some strange reason you kept coming back! Thanks again! This is my last hoorah. I enjoyed it while it lasted.

APRIL FOOLS! You don’t think I could leave you hanging like that, do you? HA! I got you. It’s ok, wipe the tears and smile because I am not going anywhere!

To make a long story short, the department is scrambling as I type this to find a supervisor to come to the house and take possession of my weapon and police identification.  Tomorrow I will take the rest of my issued equipment to the appropriate locations for return and formally separate from the department.  It is official.  It was official last month, but somehow today it hit me.

I have mixed emotions about this separation.  I was in my fifth year as a police officer and I have experienced many things during that time.  I have learned valuable lessons and met some supervisors who demonstrated how to lead and some who showed how not to lead.  As I sit here at the kitchen counter when I should be walking the halls at school, I can’t help but realize that the cliché of a ‘new chapter’ in my life is underway.  Maybe being in possession of my equipment and weapon, despite having not worn or carried it in over a month, was one way for me to still have a hold of both worlds, law enforcement and education.  Looking out of the window I see the unmarked police car stop in front of our house.  My place and part in one of these worlds is about to go away, and its about to happen now.

Sitting in the Graduate School of Education’s library here at Harvard, I am spoiled. Cushy chairs, ample space to lounge, couches and reclining chairs at my disposal, I can’t help but look around to see if there is a complimentary drink service provided. As a member of the Principal’s Center at Harvard University, one of the key components is library privileges. In addition to references and plenty of books and publications sent to the house, this access to the library is invaluable. Just walking through the first two floors this morning and now sitting in one of the dozens of lounge areas, I feel very productive as these spaces are definitely conducive to study. Of course, I am not studying but making a blog entry – whatever – the point is, I can work in this space!

This evening I will be watching a video or two, relaxing at the apartment and sipping some wine. It is a work night for T I am sure, since he starts a new class tomorrow and must complete at least four days of schoolwork in three as he prepares to leave on Friday morning for a student organized trip to China. Fun, huh! I must say I am a bit jealous, although I am getting a chance to spend my break with him so this time is worth it. Who knows when my next overseas trip is going to be, maybe to the Philippines this June to see a friend get married? Still working on finding airline ticket prices as well as possible accommodations for that week. Should make the plans soon, though, if I want to capture a price that will be as good as it gets.

Until that time comes, back to my planning my presentation! Woo Hoo! Spring Break!

There are several issues here. Among them are dishonesty, infidelity, misappropriation of government funds, and the loss of public trust. Even though he has admitted “wrongdoing” he never mentioned what he was apologizing for. No charges have been placed against him stemming from information obtained from a wiretap that revealed he was planning to meet a NY prostitute at a DC hotel the night before Valentine’s Day. All of the issues brought up are severe, but are any of them cause for resignation or an attempt at healing what was caused by this terrible turn of events.

The biggest piece of this, I believe, is trust. Without trust, there will always be suspicion or doubt or wondering. Even if there is reconciliation, I believe that one of the best predictors of future behavior is past behavior. Yes, I believe in rehabilitation and learning from mistakes, but that is not the case for everyone. His wife and children must deal with this very personal trauma in a public light. Now that he has given his wife a reason to not trust him and believe the words he is saying to her, how can he move on and attempt to renew that broken trust? Infidelity is a deal breaker for many people when it comes to relationships. Whether it is a prostitute, a former relationship, someone met online, a coworker, or involvement with an international lover like former New Jersey Governor McGreevy experienced, it is a severing of the commitment and promise professed to one another. No one said being in a relationship was going to be easy and there is no excuse for this personal and professional violation. Public officials are away from home a lot and I know from personal experience the challenges that can present, but it is certainly not an acceptable excuse in any shape or form. By the way, a public official was involved in each of these examples within the last year and all of them eventually resigned.

It’s about relationships. Public officials enter into relationships with their constituents when they are freely chosen by the people. As with any relationship, personal and public, there is an understood element of trust. Since no two parties can be with each other every moment of the day, as I can’t be with the governor of Maryland or the mayor of Cheverly every second, I will my trust to these leaders to do what is right for me and the rest of the residents of the territories they have been elected to serve. When that trust is broken and that relationship violated, how is that trust regained and relationship wounds healed without the element of doubt that often arises. I know that when I have confronted someone who has been untruthful with me, there is often a doubt that exists afterwards. Even though I can’t be with these people all of the time, it is still my duty as a citizen to hold them accountable.

Some would venture to say it is not a big deal. Bill Clinton engaged in marital infidelity while serving as President. There was a move to impeach him which had negative results. If he can hold the highest public office in the nation and still maintain his position (and popularity!) why should Mr. Spitzer resign. We still don’t know if he actually took part in this rendezvous with the prostitute in DC on the eve of Valentine’s Day (how romantic!) or if it was just a planned event that was intercepted via the wiretap before it could happen. Or was his public admission of ’something’ a preamble to a bigger scandal that we have yet to hear about.

Only time will tell.  Until then, step down Mr. Spitzer.

My friend MD was in the area and needed to talk. He called to see if I was available and, of course, I invited him over for some coffee and made some fresh espresso. We sat in the living room as he shared with me some of his work stresses and concerns that, ultimately, involve his overall safety and well being. He shared some of his transitional issues moving from one police district to another and how his new midnight shift is wreaking havoc on his personal well being. Knowing what that is like, I was able to understand what he was referring to when he described his dislike of working that particular tour of duty.

What I could sense, most of all, was that he needed to just talk. And, out of character, I just sat and listened. Yes, it is true. I sat and listened to him share his concerns about work, relationship issues, and family conflict. I have not had the opportunity to actually sit and talk with MD in such a long time – probably before Thanksgiving – and so there was lots of catching up to do.  Normally when he is going through a difficult time, has a question, or just needs to talk, he’ll text or call me.  Today I knew something was up since he asked if he could come over.

He was only able to be here for a few moments, just enough for a double shot of espresso, but he was able to share so many things before he had to leave. Now I sit here finishing my espresso which is probably a preamble to a long night ahead of me thinking about the things he shared and how powerful it was just to sit and listen.

Normally I would eat dinner in front of the television, but I have opted to stop that most nights and move to the dining table that does not get as much use as it should. Last evening I enjoyed my dinner with the television off, sitting in the dining room under the glow of the large candle on the table. It was quite pleasant and serene. This is something I hope to do more often as it is a perfect opportunity for me to calmly reflect on the events of the day and prepare for an evening of work or entertainment or relaxation, whichever may be the case.

Eating at the table often brings back memories of my childhood when we would sit at the dining room table and feast on whatever dishes my mom prepared for the night, sounds of chewing intermittently silenced by requests to pass plates to one another. The reason it brings back memories is because I cannot remember once sitting alone at my family’s dining table. If ever there was an solo eating experience, I would usually eat in the living room in front of the television or on the back porch in the outdoors, one option much nicer than the other! Sitting in our dining room with my prepared plate of food, I had a thought of what this room will be like with our child of whatever age sitting next to T and I as we share an evening meal and talk about each other’s day. Would this be a quick meal before scooting off to soccer practice or parent-teacher night at the local elementary school? Or would this be a meal that starts a long evening of board games and movie night with friends. I know how alive the house becomes when T is home and I can only imagine what it would be like when you add the youthful exuberance of a child to that mix. Isn’t is exciting?

Wow, all this from eating dinner? No, not quite. Sitting at dinner and reflecting on the day, I have been able to take note of some things I have often taken for granted and looked at in a not-too-healthy perspective, something I need to celebrate and experience the joys of, rather than second-guess or imagine things.

I am blessed. I have been given many gifts that most people would dream of having. I am not bragging, I am just stating the facts. I have an education and an opportunity to take advanced studies; I have been able to work in every field that I’ve always wanted to work in and through those challenges, have grown in many ways; I have the ability to travel around the world; I am not hungry, or cold, or in need of shelter or basic needs; I come from a family that has nurtured me and supported me through my many stages of life and who accepts me for who I am; I share a lovely home and a challenging job. But, most importantly, I have a loving and supportive partner, T, who has the strength to put up with me and the ability to challenge me to grow in ways that I cannot begin to describe. My partner is patient when I am frustrating, calm when I am anxious, quiet when I am venting, optimistic and encouraging when I am doubtful, embracing me at those times when I need his touch the most, sometimes laughing at my jokes that are almost always not funny, strengthens me through my insecurities, and says just the right things to stop me in my tracks and realize all over again why I have fallen in love with him.

I know that I may not be the best at expressing these things all the time or in the best ways, nor do I often stop to be thankful for the gifts I have been given. I guess that is why life can be considered a work in progress, something constantly worked at.

Wow, what a dinner!

I am a good cop. I was extremely successful in what I did and what I have gained in experience and training during the last four years will be carried over into the next professional opportunity that awaits me. I am grateful for the close friends that I have been able to grow with, friends I would have never met had I not taken this brief sabbatical to venture into law enforcement. I would have not relocated to Washington, DC and would not be where I am today without taking risks and following my heart. T and I would not have met over a year and a half ago and I would not be sitting here at the kitchen counter of our home typing a blog entry had I not taken the leap of faith that was necessary to overcome the hesitation and fear that exists in the unknown. Looking back and processing my experiences I am humbled and fortunate to share in the many gifts given to me.

Now what? Well, I will be assuming the responsibilities of principal at a local school for students with behavioral challenges and learning disabilities. The student population at these schools consists of boys and girls, kindergarten through high school, who have been put out of their traditional school settings. For these young people, the traditional classroom environment has not been successful in meeting their unique behavioral, emotional, and academic needs. For the next few months I will be spending time in each school throughout the region and will be given a school of my own at the end of May. During the entire interview process, a lengthy process at that, school officials have been unable to name the school I was interviewing for because there will ultimately be some staffing changes that have not yet been made public and they did not want to give me information that may change – nor did they want the school’s location to influence my decision to discontinue the interview process!

In essence, I am going to be returning to the field of school administration and my role as educator will once again be the driving force of achieving my professional goals. Granted, this is not the easiest population of students to work with and many of them have already been involved with the juvenile justice system. These students have been deemed “unreachable” by the same system that has failed them. It will be my duty and responsibility to provide an academic structure and environment that will meet their individual needs while maintaining the school as a community-centered resource that extends beyond the school day to include services to the families of these young students.

My educational philosophy includes the belief that there is no such thing as a “bad child” which, I suppose, conflicts with what we are taught in the police academy and why my views at work were often the minority. We cannot ‘arrest away’ the problems that exist with young people and the schools are the primary resource that is available to redirect the energy and focus of the young ones who are so easily led in the wrong direction. OK, I’m preaching…but it is something I am so passionate about – more so now that I have been exposed to repeatedly violent juvenile offenders who are shuffled through system after system and maintain a life expectancy of twenty-five years.

Professionally, I will also be resuming studies that are not only encouraged by the school but will also financially subsidized. I will begin doctoral studies this summer, something I have spoken about for so long and has finally become a near reality. I am excited and nervous, mostly because of the amount of work I see T engulfed in and seeing the realization that I will be researching and writing and reading, things I enjoy but can also be overwhelming at times. Sounds like fun, right?

I suppose personally there are motivations for making this transition as well. As T and I discuss children, our future plans, and even how our relationship continues to develop, I found that the opportunities that law enforcement may offer are not consistent with the goals and dreams that we share. The unpredictable schedules, working on holidays and weekends, possibility of vacation days being denied, and holding an opposite schedule of the evening as he would work in the day just did not jive with how I see a healthy family should begin to grow. Now, with an academic schedule, weekends are off, as well as holidays and vacation days are always an option. With some planning, this transition will present for us the most compatible work schedule that meshes both of our worlds. And, as he transitions from academics to the workforce, it will still be relatively aligned wherever that particular journey takes us. Should I need to relocate domestically or oversees, this new job will offer many more opportunities for either a transfer or new placement since I will actively be involved in education administration. Lateral moves within the field are much easier than remaining in police work and seeking employment in education at a later date, especially if that involves oversees employment. Does that make sense as I described it? In essence, this transition secures for me and for ‘us’ opportunities that are otherwise left unattainable.

I start one week from today.